Teaching: Nobody Really Does It Alone

Joshes and Joshettes, recently I found myself thinking about something that seems simple on the surface but becomes a lot more complicated the longer you sit with it: community. A few weeks ago, I went to Port Chester’s Unity Day, an event that has actually been around longer than I have been alive. Watching families, local businesses, organizations and people from all over the area come together reminded me how easy it is to forget how much of our lives are shaped by the people around us. We like to imagine ourselves as individuals moving through life on our own terms, but the truth is that very few of us accomplish anything completely alone.

Growing up, community was something I probably took for granted because I came from a large family. I have more first cousins than most people would probably believe, so there were always birthdays, barbecues, gatherings and some reason for everyone to be around each other. When you're younger, you don't really think about how valuable that is because it simply feels normal. As you get older, though, those circles begin changing. People move away, start families, focus on careers and sometimes friends you've known for ten or twenty years gradually become people you barely speak to anymore. There doesn't always have to be an argument or some dramatic ending. Sometimes life simply moves people in different directions.

The more I thought about that, the more I realized that my idea of community has changed as I've gotten older. Today, part of my community consists of people I may never meet in person. There are Joshes and Joshettes who read these posts, people who listen to my podcast, readers who discover one of my books and decide to follow me on Amazon, and occasionally someone who reaches out through an email, review or comment. I don't personally know most of you, but that doesn't make the connection meaningless. When you've spent years creating things and putting them into the world without always knowing if anyone is paying attention, even a small reminder that somebody is on the other side carries more weight than people might realize.

I've been writing for almost two decades, podcasting for nearly a decade and running this website for around that long as well. For most of that time, there wasn't some massive audience waiting for the next thing I created. There were books that barely sold, episodes that received very few listens and articles that probably disappeared into the internet after only a handful of people saw them. Recently, I've started seeing more results from my writing and more people discovering what I create, but it took a very long time to reach this point. Having even a small community around me made it easier to continue during those years where there wasn't much evidence that any of it would eventually lead somewhere.

I think this applies to almost anything we're trying to accomplish. Someone trying to get into shape will probably have an easier time if they have friends who also care about fitness. Someone trying to start a business can learn a tremendous amount simply by spending time around people who have already made mistakes they haven't encountered yet. A young professional might benefit from having someone older who can explain what actually matters in an industry instead of forcing them to learn every lesson the hard way. We absorb more from the people around us than we probably notice, which is why the circles we choose can slowly influence the direction our lives take.

That doesn't mean the answer is finding successful people and attaching yourself to them because you want something. Community can't work when one person constantly takes while everyone else gives. If someone is helping you move forward, there should eventually be something you bring to that relationship as well. It doesn't have to be money, connections or some incredible skill. Sometimes your value is experience in an area they know nothing about. Sometimes it's encouragement. Sometimes it's being the person willing to listen when somebody needs to get something off their chest. Relationships become stronger when everyone understands that there will be moments where one person needs more support than the other, but over time there is still some form of give and take.

One of the harder lessons is accepting that not every community is supposed to follow us forever. There are people who were extremely important during certain periods of my life who are no longer part of it today. I'm sure there are also communities I've left without realizing how much I had changed. That doesn't necessarily mean somebody did something wrong. The person you were five or ten years ago may have needed completely different people around them than the person you're becoming now. We grow, our priorities shift and eventually some relationships no longer fit the same way they once did.

I think the danger comes when those changes convince us that we're better off doing everything alone. Independence is useful, and there are certainly moments where nobody can do the work for you. Nobody can write my books for me and somehow give me the same satisfaction of knowing I created something readers enjoyed. Nobody can go to the gym for you, build your business for you or make the difficult decisions that belong to your life. But there is a major difference between taking responsibility for your own path and believing you have to walk every part of it without anyone beside you.

Maybe that's what Unity Day reminded me of more than anything. Community isn't necessarily about having hundreds of people around you or belonging to some massive group. Sometimes it's family. Sometimes it's a few close friends. Sometimes it's a mentor who gives you advice at exactly the right moment, and sometimes it's a group of Joshes and Joshettes scattered around the internet who occasionally remind a writer sitting behind a computer that somebody is actually reading what he puts out into the world. We may all have our own roads to walk, but that doesn't mean we're supposed to travel every mile alone.

Thanks,

Josh